The signal is lost.
Can I find my way back to the map of time without the signal?
The signal is external. I cannot rely on it. It flies easily across the first cable it will find.
I have to rely on something else.
I have to live without confirmation.
“You are not alone in the world”
“You are not alone in the world”
I do not want to rely on the memories.
I do not want to rely on promises.
I want to rely on something else.
Something that I know exists.
Somewhere between my bed and the window it exists.
I take the walk slowly the next morning.
Slowly, with my hands stretched out.
I pretend I can’t see.
“You are not alone in the world”
“You are not alone in the world”
And then I feel something.
With the tips of my fingers I feel something.
It is a bit thicker than smoke. A bit thinner than cobweb.
“You are not alone in the world”
A new part of yourself is always ready to emerge if you let it.
I let it.

Have you ever felt it?
Have you ever felt it crawling on your skin,
climbing down your spine,
pocking behind your eyeballs,
dancing in your stomach,
have you ever felt it?
Thousands of words are squeezing,
struggling to get through my mouth,
and I cannot
I cannot do it
I cannot say it
the words are stuck, squeezing , they are too many.
Have you ever felt it?
Have you ever felt it?
Have you ever felt it?
It is fear.
You must have felt it.
It is the fear that you will be rejected,
that you will be ignored,
that you will be attacked.
Have you felt it?
Have you ever felt the words stuck?
Have you ever started coughing for the words to come out?
Have you ever lost control?
Have you ever lost hope?
Have you felt it too?
Don’t touch me now, I am too sensitive.

Something is approaching.
Something is definitely approaching.
I see its shape, not clearly,
I see it.
I hear the sounds that it makes as it is taking its first steps.
Something is approaching.
If it is a memory, something from the past, I do not want it.
As I look at it approaching, I want it
I want it to be fresh and new.
I want it to awaken something in me.
I want it to awaken something both tender and strong.
If it is a memory, something from the past, I do not want it.
I’ve had enough of the things of the past screaming in my head, blocking my breathing,
making my steps heavy, keeping me away from the world.
Something is approaching.
I want it to be something fresh and new.
I want it to be unthinkable, unimaginable.
I want it to smell of closeness and peace.
When it approaches me,
I want it to make me giggle.
I want it to lift everything,
to make me light.
I want it to make me forget I once had a heavy heart.
I want it to be a person.

Break the rules.
Break all the rules.
Pray that you are not going to be left with a bunch of feelings, with different versions of
loneliness.
Pray that you will not end up alone.
Break all the rules.
Follow something that looks like a sign, like a promise, like a solution.
Pray that you will not end up alone,
if you speak up,
if you ask for more,
if you reject what is not for you.
Break all the rules.
Be as naked as you want,
as quiet,
as explicit,
as mysterious,
as complicated,
as inexplicable,
as misunderstood.
Be that! Be misunderstood.
Be stupid enough, be daring enough, to be misunderstood.
Break all the rules.
Chose what you prefer,
they are both an option,
they are both inaccessible,
they are both the same,
they are both different, they are both difficult. Don’t lie. Do not lie.
This is not the time for lies. Do not hide from us.
Do not hide from yourself.
Do not remain unrecognisable, unremarkable, do not remain scared. This is not the time
for fear.
Listen,
you have permission for everything.
You have permission for fear.
But don’t lie.
Do not look for ways to look good. There are none.
Do not project.
I am the pain I can recognise,
stay in,
stay together,
stay closer,
stay closer, accept.
Pray that you do not end up alone.
I will learn from you.
I will keep my arms open and I will close them when all of you are in. Stay in.
Help me not to lie.